I am in love with a drunk.
Please feel free to use this on your website. I know many other people are suffering with this problem as I am.
I am in love with a drunk.
I told John three years ago I would leave him if he didn't get help. At that time he joined Alcoholics Anonymous and has been going to meeting four nights each week. For three years.
Last week I found out that he hasn't been anywhere near an AA meeting for at least eight months.
He is having an affair with a woman he met at AA.
Lois is fifteen years younger than John. She told me that she "understands" him better than I ever will be able to.
Maybe she's right.
We've been together for eight years. John wanted me to have a baby seven years ago, but I had an abortion instead. Thank heaven for that - I can't imagine what my life would have been like these past years if I had a baby too.
Kristine, I know that I should let John go - he wants to move in with Lois and she seems to want him.
Why am I fighting this? I don't love him anymore. I know he doesn't love me.
But I can't seem to let him go - to give him the "permission" (Lois's word) that he needs to be happy with another woman.
Can you help me understand why I can't seem to act in my own best interest?
I'll watch for your reply,
Wine and Roses Rosie
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What a trip. The man you have given the better part of your life to is in love with another woman - and the two of them are addicted to alcohol.
You feel cheated, confused, angry and "out of love" with the bum.
Not only that -you feel addicted.
That's correct. The reason you are unable to let him go is you too are addicted.
Your drug-of-choice has for years been this bad relationship with John.
When we find ourselves in a predicament with a person we don't care for and yet cannot extricate ourselves from, we are addicted.
Recovery from addiction to a person is the same as recovery from any other addiction.
The first step is to admit we have no power over this. We are helpless. You have all ready admitted this by writing me; a perfect stranger.
The second step is to turn over your quest for control to a higher power - to seek help to get clear about what you are doing.
And to begin to live, John-Free - one day at a time.
Rosie - let this man go. A great gift has been given you. John has a PLACE to go - a woman who will take over where you leave off.
Let John move on and in with his new woman - and let yourself begin to recover and heal from this awful experience.
Like all addictions, you should give yourself time to test, practice and accomplish your steps in recovery.
Independent of John, consider all the ways in which you allowed this dysfunctional relationship to meet your needs. Take responsibility for how you contributed to the sickness the two of you created.
Take stock of your current situation. Are there residual emotions, experiences, relationships that might cause you to fall back into old patterns? Fix them. Break them off. Move on.
Be gentle with yourself, Rosie - don't be hard. Take good care of yourself and forgive yourself.
In time, you will be able to forgive John as well.
Meanwhile, begin to live each day as fully as possible - free of your drug.
Time for the real Rosie to emerge. I promise you, you'll like her so much more when she's independent of John.
Presbyterian pastor, broadcast commentator, playwright and great friend.