<![CDATA[Kristine Holmgren, Minnesota playwright

<![CDATA[Kristine Holmgren, Minnesota playwright - Letters to Kristine]]>Thu, 29 Mar 2012 05:26:59 -0800Weebly<![CDATA[ “For not only must the black man be black;he must be black in relation to the white man.”--Frantz Fanon, Black Skin, White Masks]]>Fri, 03 Sep 2010 21:36:07 -0800http://www.kristineholmgren.com/5/post/2010/09/-for-not-only-must-the-black-man-be-blackhe-must-be-black-in-relation-to-the-white-man-frantz-fanon-black-skin-white-masks.htmlSometimes? A great notion. . .

From Soul Brother v.2 - to Kristine Holmgren's readers.

Please forgive me if this runs long.I composed it months ago, and have since revised it to the bare bones.But I really need your help on this one.Please stay with me until the end.

The questions began very early, even before I was prepared to deal with them.

At the time, my son was one of only a few African American children in his school and the only African American child in his kindergarten class.I accompanied his school on a trip to the zoo during a week set aside for the local schools.

His school, with its long line of white children with only a few specks of color here and there, stood in line next to an all black school.My son looked down the long line of white children in front of him and behind him, and then looked over at the long line of African American children.

Then he turned to me and asked me, “Why are all the white kids over here and all the little brown kids over there?And why am I not over there with the little brown kids?”

I was not prepared to deal with that question, and can’t recall exactly what I said.However, I do remember rattling off some abstruse, recondite theory that he would have never been able to understand at the time and then trying to redirect his attention elsewhere.But for the rest of the day, he was uncharacteristically reticent, and often I found him gazing wistfully and curiously at the little brown kids whenever a group of them came near.

Now, both he and my daughter have grown accustomed to either being the only African American child or one of only a few African American children in almost every setting they find themselves.But as they grow older and the relationships and social situations become more complex, I find myself having to revisit the racial question with them all over again.

In their world surrounded by whiteness, I am more worried for my daughter than I am my son.My son is more than secure in his blackness.He is almost arrogant in his blackness even.He wields his blackness like a club, beating those who underestimate his ability, his mental acumen, about the head and shoulders with it.

His friends represent numerous races and ethnic groups.In fact, his current crew is made up of a Jew, a mixed race black/Hispanic, and a mixed race white/Hispanic.However, it is important to note that his crew occupies the middle and upper middle class economic stratum.

But my daughter is not so confident.Often she downplays her abilities.And all of her friends are white.She has had black friends, but they have never been long term friends.She says that the young black girls that she comes into contact with are simply too loud and boisterous, their behavior too outrageous.They are, in a word, too ghetto.

Her last friendship with a young black girl ended abruptly when that friend got into a rift of some kind, and she expected my daughter to assist her in fighting.When my daughter refused, she turned on my daughter and ridiculed her for some time.My daughter was heartbroken.

And I am just being honest when I tell you I am troubled every time I enter her room and practically all the faces staring back at me from the many posters on her wall are white.At this point, she seems to have immersed herself in whiteness.And from my own experience, it may come back to bite her.

I, too, grew up surrounded by whiteness.Most of my friends were white.And it was all fine until we grew older and began to compete for educational opportunities and jobs.Then they grew resentful of my blackness.Then they felt my blackness gave me some unfair advantage.

The first time I was ever directly called a nigger was by my white best friend at the time.Not only did he call me nigger, he moved to attack me in a violent, drunken rage.While he was being restrained, I promptly hit him in the head with a desk lamp.

I learned a lesson that day.I responded by adjusting my world view accordingly.But I was always aware of my blackness and my precarious footing in the white world, and I was confident, almost arrogant in my abilities.However, my daughter seems to be not so aware, not so confident.How will she react if she is ever confronted by a similar situation?

My children and I were out about town recently, when we witnessed a group of black teenagers acting a complete fool.They were loud.They were boisterous.They were profane.So much so that a security guard backed up by the local police had to escort them from the premises.

My son and daughter looked on mildly amused, and when the ruckus had subsided, I heard them joking to one another about the scene that they had just witnessed.I became very upset, however, when I heard them referring to the group of black teenagers as coons and spooks and “ignant knee-grows”.

I was perhaps more upset with myself than with them.I immediately recognized where the pejoratives coons and spooks and “ignant knee-grows” came from.That came straight out of my mouth.If you are ever curious about the faults in your children, examine yourself first.

But at that moment it became plain that my children have created a dichotomy between themselves and their social circle of acceptable African Americans and African Americans of questionable mental acumen, social graces, and moral and ethical standards.They have divided African America into good Negroes and bad Negroes.

But in all fairness to them, the so-called “bad Negroes” have rejected them as well.So many times and for so long they have been ridiculed, sometimes by close family members, for being “too white.”They have been ridiculed for “talking white.”They have been ridiculed for “acting white.”They have been ridiculed for “having white tastes.”They have even been ridiculed for getting good grades and loving to read which incidentally falls under “acting white.”

How do they then reconcile themselves with a culture that rejects them?How do they respect a culture with values that seem to run so contrary to their own?

I have attempted to teach my children who they are and I have attempted to instill in them pride in who they are, what they are.But often I cannot find the right words.Often I am faltering in my speech.And too often I contradict myself in words and deeds.

But in the meantime, I fear they and other African American children like them are sinking gradually into the frigid depths of a cold naked abyss, and I am unable to find a rope long enough or strong enough to throw down to them and pull them to a place of safety.

What advice to you have for me?

- Soul Brother

Dear Soul Brother-

I found this question on your blog, and have reprinted it here, on mine - to encourage a response from my readers. Your points are questions I have asked myself; I've wondered how African American parents navigate the dangerous waters you describe.

I'm especially curious about your daughter and her identification. As a feminist and mother of two young women, I have taken special interest in my children's affiliations, and have encouraged them to reach out to anyone who might need their special skills and gifts. My concern for your daughter is that she is holding back - not sharing what she has to offer.

We can't be certain her problem is a lack of "confidence." Nor can we be clear that she hesitates out of fear or any self-consciousness regarding her race. No - there are many elements in the day-to-day life of a young girl that could cause her to hesitate and fall-back.

Is her mother in the home? If so, what role does she play? If not, does your daughter have a strong, female role-model?

Young women need to observe the problem solving skills of older, effective women. I suggest you network to find strong models for your daughter.

And if you're reading this, I invite you to respond with your suggestions to "Soul Brother."

Thanks so much for posting this thoughtful issue.

]]><![CDATA[I can't stop crying. . . ]]>Thu, 02 Sep 2010 12:46:20 -0800http://www.kristineholmgren.com/5/post/2010/09/i-cant-stop-crying.htmlHelp for the helpless

Dear Kristine:

Nothing has changed. Nothing. I lost my job in 2008 and thought that something would change.

Thank God I had unemployment for these past months. I don't know what I would have done.

Now, however, I don't know what I WILL do! No money is coming in my door, Kristine. I am still current on my rent, but I don't know how I will pay it in October. No money. Not a penny.

I've never been here before. I've always paid my own way. I need help. Please tell me how to put one foot in front of the other. Honest to God, Kristine. I don't know what to do. I'm frozen. I can't stop crying. I'm writing this and blubbering into my lap. I need help.

I've tried to talk to my friends about all this, but no one takes me seriously. The best I can get from anyone is this; "I'm so glad I'm not you. I don't know how you do it."

I don't know either. I don't know if I can keep this up. Help me.

Margaret

____________________________

Dear Margaret -

I'm taking you seriously because I believe you. I believe you're "blubbering" and out of control. I believe your fear. I believe your paralysis. Margaret - I believe everything your wrote.

Margaret, you didn't tell me where you live or if you're facing any medical emergencies. Your language signals depression; and who wouldn't be depressed? Your message also indicates anxiety. The two flow together; depression breeds anxiety which thrives on depression.

You didn't tell me if you have access to any kind of medical facilities or help. If you do, I recommend strongly that you see someone and have an evaluation. Your suffering will not end, but it will be managed a bit better if you have some support from a physician.

Margaret - please believe me when I tell you this: all will be well. I mean it. All will be well.

You may think I'm being flippant. I am not.

If you want a job, a job will emerge. I promise you this. It might not be comparable to the job you lost, but if you want to work, you will.

The economy is in slow, slow recovery. Your are caught-up in something larger than you, Margaret. Nonetheless, there are things you can do to recover your equilibrium.

Keep in mind; I am a pastor. I am not a therapist, nor am I a medical professional.

Accept your circumstance. You are limited in many things right now: energy, money, enthusiasm. Don't beat yourself up if you can't keep up with your employed friends. One day they will be where you are today. Relax into your situation. Stop fighting the truth of your limits.
Accept responsibility for your life. Ironically, this means the opposite of what you might think it means. Once you accept your limits, you must seek assistance to meet your needs. Visit the office of human services in your county. See what programs are available to you. The federal stimulus injected the economy with job training, assistance with groceries, programs for the unemployed. Learn where they are and how they can help you.
Make a new budget. Obvious? Maybe. But when we feel stressed, poor, without hope, we often neglect the basics. After you visit the county, after you apply for financial support, after the dust settles, sit down and plan your finances. Once you see your finances on paper, you'll feel a whole lot better.
Balance your job search by remembering who you are and what you love. Sure, it's important to keep looking for the next opportunity. But pull other parts of your life to the forefront. Volunteer one afternoon each week. Visit the library and bring home some new, good fiction to read or a DVD to watch. Take yourself to one of the free concerts, art fairs, public school programs. Limit your job seeking to two, three hours per day and you'll be a happier Margaret.
Go to a matinee every week. Do it. Go to the movies. I know, I know - it seems like a waste of money. But once you visit the county and get some assistance, take a little of that cash and blow it on a great flick. Every week.
Believe in yourself. If you have a "faith system," return to it frequently. Take time to nurture the hope in your heart. It's still there or you would never have written Kristine.
Believe in the future. It is, after all, a wonderful life. Make every day as magical as you can. Be happy, Margaret. Be strong. You'll get through this. I promise. And when you do, you'll look back with pride. Life is seldom easy. It is only life - and always a miracle.

You're going to get through this. You're going to be fine. Keep the faith, and fight the good fight. Write me again and let me know how you're doing.

]]><![CDATA[When a Do-Whatever-You-Say marries a Do-Gooder. . . ]]>Mon, 30 Aug 2010 17:52:57 -0800http://www.kristineholmgren.com/5/post/2010/08/when-a-do-nothing-lives-with-a-do-gooder.htmlMy wife wants to adopt another child

Dear Kristine,

Before I write another word, let me write these four; I love my wife.

Ione is a wonderful person. I love her for many reasons, but most of all because she has such a good heart.

When I met her, I came home and told my mom I finally found a girl I could love unconditionally.

From the start, Ione has been a better person than I am. When we were first married she brought home stray dogs and kittens. At one time we had three cats, four dogs and a room in the garage where she nursed broken wings and baby squirrels. Most of the neighborhood kids hung out at our apartment because Ione is so kind.

When we graduated and moved into our first house, Ione found out she couldn't have children. She didn't seem to care - my mothe says if Ione were forty years younger, she would be a hippie, like my mom was when she was young. Ione said she didn't need to give birth to be a real mother. She didn't want to go the technological route and get pregnant.

It was okay with her, she said, for us to adopt. I thought that was terrific. I love kids too.

Our first child is from Columbia. Dan is a terrific boy, and is doing well in the Minneapolis public schools. Our second is (they tell us) Dan's biological sister, although I doubt it. Carla is significantly slower than Dan - but still the light of our lives.
I'm delighted with our family. I don't make a lot of money - Ione gets to stay home and take care of our children, however - and I'm proud to support her.

Lately, Ione has expressed a desire to adopt yet another child.

Kristine - we can't afford another child. Ione stays home, she doesn't have a job. In this economy, the whole idea makes me crazy.

She's such a good person, Kristine. She's a better person than I will ever be. I love her so much.

How can I make my generous wife happy?

Sincerely -
Not Good Enough
______________________

Dear Not Good Enough.

Let's get one thing clear - you're plenty good in my book:

But please. Oh, please. . . . its clear to me that you are falling short of the fatal rules of a happy marriage.

Everyone knows there are only two.

The first; your partner is always right.

The second - except when your partner wants a child and you do not.

If a woman wants something too expensive - or something that has a heartbeat - a single "no" must fell her.

No one should bring a child (or a ridiculous piece of jewelry) into the world (or the house) unless that child (or diamond ring) is loved and wanted.

It's clear to me that you love your family - - and it's clear to me that Ione wants to do good somewhere - - and thinks the only place she can do that is in her home.

My suggestion - - get your entire, beautiful family involved in a volunteer project. Right now the flooding in Minnesota and Iowa has caused a great deal of damage. NECHAMA - Jewish Response to Disaster is organizing teams of volunteers to go to different communities and help in the post-flooding clean-up.

You don't have to be Jewish to go along. NECHAMA is a great group - you'll meet wonderful new friends and Ione will get a chance to feel terrific about her good work.

I betcha anything Ione will change her mind about this baby business. If she doesn't, see if you can't change her mind with a fabulous piece of jewelry.

And write again. We'll talk.

Good luck, and congratulations on your wonderful family and loving home.

- Kristine

]]><![CDATA[Is this as bad as it gets? ]]>Sun, 20 Jun 2010 12:22:19 -0800http://www.kristineholmgren.com/5/post/2010/06/is-this-as-bad-as-it-gets.htmlShould I leave and never come back?

Dear Kristine:

I am a 42-year-old alcoholic and drug addict.

I have been in active addiction for my entire adult life. I have been actually making an honest effort to quit for two years(not continuously, of course, because I never make it more than a few months without using). I went to a 90-day inpatient treatment center two years ago and participated diligently in an AA homegroup after treatment for 18 months. I've also tried individual counselling.

My wife of 17 years is a saint. After my most recent relapse(I cringe to even use the word "relapse" because I've never been able to stay sober long enough to really have a relapse), she insisted on a six-month separation.

She still allows me to be a part of our three children's daily lives(as long as I appear to be sober).
I've been sleeping in my car because we don't have enough combined income to support two households. I have a job, and I deposit 80% of every paycheck into my wife's account.

I'm stuck: I see no available treatment options that offer any real chance of successs, and I'm still paying off the $20000 bill from the last treatment center. I'm beginning to wonder if the kindest thing I could do for my friends and loved ones is to leave and never come back. At least I could spare them front-row seats at the miseryfest that is surely coming.

The damage done to my wife is beyond repair, so my primary concern is the children. If I can't stay sober for more than a few months at a time, are they better off with me in their lives, or should I let them go and hope my wife finds a better man to raise them?

Call me -
Benjamin
_______________

Dear Benjamin:

Your wife doesn't need a "better man." She does need, however, a break.

That's why she is taking six months away from you, and has arranged for you to keep in constant touch with your children.

I'm impressed with the fact that you are still earning money during this difficult time - and that you give your family most of it. What impresses me also is that, even with only twenty percent of your income, you still have income to pay down your medical expenses -

Benjamin, Benjamin, Benjamin - - - you must know by now that, by sleeping in your car, you have indeed hit the bottom. Your addiction is successfully taking away your life.

In your letter to me, you ask if it is wise (or okay) to hand it over without a fight.

Absolutely not.

If your darling wife is willing to give you this six-month opportunity, grab it. Take hold, Ben. Get clean, sober, and stay that way for these six months.

If that means living out of your car - so be it.

If that means only visits with the kids, and demonstrations of your best behavior - yes! Do it!

Ben- - You're not "stuck." You need, however, a hero.

Be one. Be a hero for yourself and your children.

Stop the former life. Begin a new life.

Every religious tradition talks about death before resurrection; failing before succeeding. You say you've been a addict all your life. I doubt that.

This all began somewhere - - and now that you carry this disease, you alone must manage it. You alone can end the pain it causes everyone else.

Don't give in - don't back off - don't hand your life over to your addiction.

Fight the good fight. Be thankful for this chance. Grab it - make it worth your sacrifice and the suffering of your children and partner.

Let me know how things progress -
Kristine

]]><![CDATA[Keep your mind free and your heart open. . . ]]>Tue, 01 Dec 2009 08:37:31 -0800http://www.kristineholmgren.com/5/post/2009/12/keep-your-mind-free-and-your-heart-open.htmlWhen the truth hurts. . .

Dear Kristine,

I'd like to think that I am a balanced, healthy thinker.

I majored in philosophy and world religions in college, and learned how to respect the other side of the argument - even though I vehemently disagreed.

Politically, I am liberal to the core. And while I don't hate conservatism necessarily, I have developed some disgust toward Republicans now a days.
My depression started when I check the New York Times Best Seller list on December 1st.

Sarah Palin's book is #1.
Glenn Beck's book is #4
Mike Huckabee is #5
So I wonder, who is buying these?
The books I intend to give as Christmas gifts are not doing well at all. Ted Kennedy's (RIP) book is #11, and David Plouffe's (President Obama's campaign manager) is 16.

Can you help me understand this?
Call me -
Confused

Dear Confused,

I feel your pain.

I cannot, however, explain the causes of it, nor can I wish or write them away.

If we look back throughout history, we find that the masses were (and still are) appeased by the simple things; straight-forward, no-nonsense, easy answers to complex and intricate problems.

When Hitler was on the rise, Mein Kampf was on every shelf. When Lindberg spoke in favor of isolationism prior to World War II, he was hailed a prophet.

If we let our brains and good sense be directed by popular opinion and action, our nation would be a collective of reality-television-watching fools, plugged into I-Pods and abdicating all responsibility. All we would care about is the next celebrity on Dancing with the Stars.

.

Hmmmmm.... wait a minute.... I might be ON to something here. Could it be we are all ready lost?

I choose to not believe this is so.

You, of course, get to make your own choices, Confused. My hope is that you will be one of the bright, shining stars in the universe - a voice in the cosmos that calls out the big questions that deserve serious investigation.

Keep your mind clear, your heart open - - and the New York Times best sellers won't get you down.

Good luck!!
Kristine

]]><![CDATA[I discovered a series of checks I never wrote. ]]>Fri, 13 Nov 2009 19:17:36 -0800http://www.kristineholmgren.com/5/post/2009/11/i-discovered-a-series-of-checks-i-never-wrote.htmlMy wife is stealing from me.

Dear Pastor Kristine:

I've not been able to stop thinking of what you said at the wedding in Hudson last month. Your comments about clarity, truth and the importance of transparency hit hard.

My wife has been stealing money from me. I learned this the hard way. My checking account went into deficit about a week ago, and when I tried to balance everything, nothing made sense.

After working the numbers for hours on end, I finally asked my wife if she knew what might have happened to the money. She lied to me.

So, I went back to the books again.

I discovered a series of checks that I never wrote.

When I asked her if she knew anything about the checks, she confessed.

Kristine, she used the money to buy things I earlier told her we didn't need.

New dishes, sheets for the children's beds. Without my permission she even bought electric blankets. She's been complaining for years that the kids are too cold in the winter. I keep the thermostat at 50 degrees at night.

Kristine, I am furious about this. When I learned that she lied to me, I tried to get my hands on her, but she ran too fast. She actually locked herself in the bathroom to keep clear of me.

Now that I look back on it, it is probably a good thing. If I caught her, I don't know what I would have done.

I don't know what to do about this. The total damage is a little over $1100; money I thought I had for a fishing vacation I planned for this summer.

Now, no one goes anywhere.

To make matters worse, she is insisting I go into counseling over all this. Me. As if I'm the crazy one.

Can you help?

Sign me -
Confused
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Dear Confused:

YOU'RE confused? What about me?

Your letter blew me out of the room!

I have half a mind to ask for your identity so I could come to your house and slap some sense into you.

I mean, help me here, Curious. You're angry because your wife shopped for dishes and linens? So angry, you chase her through the house, trying to physically punish her? Really?

Your wife spent the family money and you call that stealing. Mr. Curious, your lovely bride didn't rob from the grocery money to buy herself a full-tilt-boogie mink. She didn't spend the money on booze or cheap men. She bought her family dishes, her children warm blankets. Isn't that correct?

So let's establish some common understanding, Curious. Most men don't punish their women for buying household goods. Where I live, no woman who spends what her husband earns is called a thief.

A woman who spends the family money does what women do - shops and provides for those who depend upon her.

So, no - - last time I checked there's nothing wrong with a wife buying necessities for her family. And hey, Curious - it is okay for her to do so using the family money.

Nothing wrong with that. Something terribly wrong in your house, however. Your wife chose to not tell you about her spending. That's wrong.

So, Mr. Confused, here's the heart of your family problem. Why didn't your wife feel she could tell you she bought the dishes and the blankets?

Did you ask her why she didn't feel comfortable telling you? Or did you not ask her because you know why she didn't tell you?

Isn't it true she didn't tell you because you terrify her? Because she knows you. She knows that once you heard she bought blankets and dishes, you would "chase her" through the house, trying to get your hands on her.

Your wife is afraid of you. You frighten her.

Curious - your problem is not a wife who "steals." Your problem is a marriage where one person terrorizes the other.

Does it bother you that your first response to the crisis in your family was anger over losing your fishing vacation and then rage at the woman you are supposed to love and cherish?

And what's with your need to keep the thermostat at 50 degrees in your home, Confused? You're raising vulnerable children, no? In a home with a temperature so low, grown men and women would develop pneumonia?

What's wrong with you?

The mystery in all of this is indeed, your wife. Why does she stay with you? Why does she put up with your nonsense?

Not only is she tolerating your neanderthal, arrogant and pig-headed approach to family, she recommended you to counseling. The woman is a saint, Confused.

And let me be sure I got this right - - you and your spouse attended the Hudson wedding, and while you heard me speak about honesty in marriage, your thoughts turned to what? To your violence in the home? To your power-trippy freak-out over the household budget? No. Instead of listening to the sermon and considering your own behavior, you wrote me to report your wife as a thief.

Honey - here's my advice. Get yourself to that counselor yesterday. Tell him you want to talk about how you're handling the things you love.

When you get to his office, be honest with him about the things your value most. Open your wallet - show him your money. Put it on the table where you can keep your eye on it.

Talk to him about how you love your money. Tell him how you count it every night, watch that no one else in your house has access to it. Tell him how you control your cash, keep it close to you, trust no one to handle it as well as you handle it.

Tell him too, about how you have tried (without success) to control your wife by not giving her any of your money. Tell him that when she spends your money, you call it stealing.

Tell him everything - tell him how you created a home environment where your children are cold at night; so cold your wife has to sneak to buy them electric blankets. Tell him you ran through the house chasing her when you leaned that she purchased blankets to keep your babies warm at night.

Tell him about the fear you instill in your wife and the love affair you have with your bank balance.

Start there and work your way up.

Mr. Confused, don't look to your wife to blame for the mess of your sad, unfortunate family. Shake out your pockets. Look at your cash. And then, look in the mirror.

Shame on you.

Kristine

]]><![CDATA[I don't know what to do, short of moving away. . . ]]>Wed, 04 Nov 2009 21:06:34 -0800http://www.kristineholmgren.com/5/post/2009/11/i-dont-know-what-to-do-short-of-moving-away.html
I'm being stalked
by a
crazy woman.

Dear Kristine:

I'm being stalked by a crazy woman.

I didn't know she was crazy when I first met her. She seemed like a normal neighbor.

Then things changed. My wife divorced me about eight months ago and ever since, I haven't been able to get this woman out of my life.

It started out small. At first she invited my children to her home for cookies and milk after school.

My kids loved it, but it freaked me out.

I told my kids to stay away from her, and then she started sending me little notes and letters.

I ignored her, but she didn't quit.

After a while it got even stranger.

This last summer she stopped by several times in a swim suit, barefoot, asking if she could "sun" in my back yard.

I told her no, but she didn't stop coming around.

Lately she's been walking around her front yard in some crazy night-gown get-up. I see her looking over here - trying to get my attention.

My sons are old enough to know what's going on. Last night my youngest asked me if this crazy lady is "in love" with me.

I don't know what to do, short of moving as far away from this woman as possible.

Can you help me??

Signed,
Ain't No Romeo
- - - - - - - - - -

Dear Romeo -
I have to tell you that this is an odd letter. I don't hear, frankly from many men with your problem. Most of my letters are from women who feel uncomfortable with the unwelcome attention received from strange men.

I'm a little at a loss -- - I've never heard of anything like this before - -

But I believe you.

This woman is obviously a little out-of-touch with reality. If you have, indeed, not given her any reason to think your family is her family, you do indeed have yourself a genuine stalker and a serious problem.

Here's what you must do;

1. Make a special visit to her home. Do not go in the house, however - communicate with her at her door and tell her that you have been made uncomfortable by the way in which she is behaving. Be specific. Tell her you do not appreciate her scantily clad exposure. Tell her your children are uncomfortable as well. Be sure to mention that you have received her notes and find them disturbing.

2. Tell her to leave you alone. Be specific. Tell her what this means - say something like, "I don't want you exposing yourself to me or anyone in my family," or "Please do not approach my children or me ever again." Be clear about your expectations.

3. Tell her what you will do if she persists. Once again, be specific. Say something like, "I will contact authorities if you disturb my family again."

Then, back off.

See what happens.

If she approaches again, contact the police.

This woman is not posing a physical threat to you. However, she is trespassing and disturbing the peace and you have a legitimate complaint against her.

I'm a little baffled by this, Romeo - -- and hope this situation abates. Let me know what happens - and good luck!!

Kristine

]]><![CDATA[I hate my job. ]]>Wed, 04 Nov 2009 05:31:49 -0800http://www.kristineholmgren.com/5/post/2009/11/i-hate-my-job.htmlMy job makes me
physically sick. . .

Dear Kristine,

I hate my job. I know it's a good job - I make a great salary and even though I hate it, I feel lucky to have a good job.

But my job makes me physically sick. I mean, really sick. Sick to my stomach.

Three months ago my supervisor was promoted and I got assigned a different supervisor.

That's when things went downhill for me.

My current boss took away all the projects I was working and gave me work that bores me. When the alarm goes off in the morning, I hate to get out of bed.

My wife is worried about me. She knows I'm losing weight, not sleeping.

Last night she asked a lot of questions. I don't want to worry her with what is happening.

I don't know what to do. This job is hell, but it pays well and I know my wife thinks this is the year we can start planning a family.

No one else at work seems upset with anything that's coming down. My boss is not a mean woman; she doesn't know what she's doing however, and working for her is chaos.

If I stick it out, the company might promote someone else to supervise me and things would get easier.

But if nothing changes I don't know what I will do.

Yesterday I spent hours in the bathroom, sick to my stomach. I hate to admit this, but I cried on the train on my way home two nights last week.

I'm miserable.

Thanks for your help.

Bruce
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Dear Bruce:

I'm sorry to read your email - and I want you to know that you are NOT alone.

Many, many people write to me with the identical concern.

These are difficult times- many people feel trapped in jobs they hate.

During times of high unemployment there is more stress in the workplace than there is in the unemployment line.

Those of us who are out of work live lives of quiet desperation, and openly seek to improve our situations.

Those of us in awful jobs however, live lives of painful dishonesty, and try each day to present the face of an engaged, worthy employee to our workplace.

It is important that you NOT take this personally and understand you are NOT alone.

It is also important, critical, necessary for you to find a life independent of your work life.

I know this seems impossible.

You are at work the majority of your day - at least forty hours each week. How can one make time for anything other than the work day and the activities that support it?

It seems impossible, but Bruce, you must do it.

I suggest the following process. First, identify some of the things you enjoy doing.

For me, I take enjoyment in creative writing - short stories, plays, poetry. When I write I find release and freedom.

What do you enjoy? Perhaps you enjoy a physical activity like running or swimming. Maybe you find release in another art form; playing a musical instrument or joining a choir.

Some people enjoy community theatre and join a cast or crew for a production. You might like enroll in a dance class - or try volunteering.

Something.

You must find SOMETHING other than work to do and think about.

This new activity will consume some of your free time - and if you ask your wife to join you, the two of you will deepen your involvement with each other.

Right now all you have is your job. Your job and your marriage. When the sun comes in your window, all you have to look forward to is going to work and coming home.

Freud said we need love and work - - so you have those two things. But you need a place in your day and your life where you can do work you love and a time in your day where you can express your love.

Find something. Dive into it. Do your best at work and place that part of your life behind the other parts.

When your priorities shift so will your spirits.

Give this plan six months and write me again.

I'm anxious to hear how this all evolves!!

Good luck-
Kristine

]]><![CDATA[Marriage is difficult - even in the best of times. ]]>Thu, 22 Oct 2009 18:01:23 -0800http://www.kristineholmgren.com/5/post/2009/10/marriage-is-difficult-even-in-the-best-of-times.htmlYou need time to heal

Dear Kristine:

Last week I learned that my twenty year old marriage is dead.

I learned this the worst possible way; my daughter told me her father confided that he's in love with his colleague.

My daughter is fourteen and was devastated, of course, by the news. To make matters worse, my husband insisted she not tell me, her mother.

I am furious - first, I'm furious that he's cheating. Second, I'm furious that he told this to our child.

It has killed her innocence -

How do I proceed? What do I do? I need help. I mean, real help. I mean, tell me how to put one foot in front of the next.

I am devastated. . .

Jane
- - - - - - - - -

Dear Jane:

How awful.

First, you need to assure your daughter that everything will be okay. Tell her you are sorry for her father's inappropriate behavior and promise her she will be able to rely upon you during the difficult days ahead.

Of course you must confront your husband with his outlandish behavior. When the facts are in the open, you will need to take steps to move him out of your home and begin a legal separation.

Your next conversation about these events should then be with an attorney.

After you secure your home, your financial base and your confidence, take some time to let the dust settle.

It may be hard to understand right now, but this horrific series of events might not be the end of your marriage.

Time. You need time to heal from this, and time to make sense out of what has happened.

Give yourself a six month separation from your husband. If, during that time, he asks for a divorce, move in that direction.

It is possible that either you or he might wish to seek professional help for your marriage and your family during the separation.

My advise to you is to take your time - consider your options as you mend from this series of events.

Marriage is a challenge; even in the best of circumstances. I will keep you and your little family in my prayers.

]]><![CDATA[Might as well admit it - you're addicted to John! ]]>Sat, 17 Oct 2009 20:39:45 -0800http://www.kristineholmgren.com/5/post/2009/10/might-as-well-admit-it-youre-addicted-to-john.htmlI am in love with a drunk.

Dear Kristine;

Please feel free to use this on your website. I know many other people are suffering with this problem as I am.

I am in love with a drunk.

I told John three years ago I would leave him if he didn't get help. At that time he joined Alcoholics Anonymous and has been going to meeting four nights each week. For three years.

Last week I found out that he hasn't been anywhere near an AA meeting for at least eight months.

He is having an affair with a woman he met at AA.

Lois is fifteen years younger than John. She told me that she "understands" him better than I ever will be able to.

Maybe she's right.

We've been together for eight years. John wanted me to have a baby seven years ago, but I had an abortion instead. Thank heaven for that - I can't imagine what my life would have been like these past years if I had a baby too.

Kristine, I know that I should let John go - he wants to move in with Lois and she seems to want him.

Why am I fighting this? I don't love him anymore. I know he doesn't love me.

But I can't seem to let him go - to give him the "permission" (Lois's word) that he needs to be happy with another woman.

Can you help me understand why I can't seem to act in my own best interest?

I'll watch for your reply,

Call me,
Wine and Roses Rosie
- - - - - - - - - - - - -

Dear Rosie,

What a trip. The man you have given the better part of your life to is in love with another woman - and the two of them are addicted to alcohol.

You feel cheated, confused, angry and "out of love" with the bum.

Not only that -you feel addicted.

That's correct. The reason you are unable to let him go is you too are addicted.

Your drug-of-choice has for years been this bad relationship with John.

When we find ourselves in a predicament with a person we don't care for and yet cannot extricate ourselves from, we are addicted.

Recovery from addiction to a person is the same as recovery from any other addiction.

The first step is to admit we have no power over this. We are helpless. You have all ready admitted this by writing me; a perfect stranger.

The second step is to turn over your quest for control to a higher power - to seek help to get clear about what you are doing.

And to begin to live, John-Free - one day at a time.

Rosie - let this man go. A great gift has been given you. John has a PLACE to go - a woman who will take over where you leave off.

Let John move on and in with his new woman - and let yourself begin to recover and heal from this awful experience.

Like all addictions, you should give yourself time to test, practice and accomplish your steps in recovery.

Independent of John, consider all the ways in which you allowed this dysfunctional relationship to meet your needs. Take responsibility for how you contributed to the sickness the two of you created.

Take stock of your current situation. Are there residual emotions, experiences, relationships that might cause you to fall back into old patterns? Fix them. Break them off. Move on.

Be gentle with yourself, Rosie - don't be hard. Take good care of yourself and forgive yourself.

In time, you will be able to forgive John as well.

Meanwhile, begin to live each day as fully as possible - free of your drug.

Time for the real Rosie to emerge. I promise you, you'll like her so much more when she's independent of John.

Good luck!

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